I have a secret… I’m afraid of the dentist. Seriously, truly – afraid. I’ve not taken the best care of my teeth in the past, and couple that with a resistance to pain medication I’ve avoided the dentist for more years (keep going, and going) than I care to recount in public. A raging toothache landed me in my husband’s dentist’s office on Friday. When I was greeted by the receptionist I promptly burst into a 2-second bout of tears, I was so scared. The receptionist was very nice, reminding me that paperwork doesn’t bite and it would all be ok. When the tech came to get me and introduced herself, I stared at her and her outstretched hand like she was an alien, blinking in slow motion. Finally I slowly reached out to shake her hand. The receptionist whispered "she's REALLY scared" and the tech said "don't worry, we'll take good care of you". I unfroze from there and followed. 

Long story short, I have quite a few small cavities to deal with, but the big issue is that I need a root canal. I’ve never been scared so bad in my life, and I have a feeling when I finally go in for the procedure that I’ll be more scared than when I went in for surgery to have my gallbladder removed. At least then I knew I wouldn’t feel anything, I was just embarrassed that strangers - including a mom of someone I went to school with who was rather nasty to me at times (not that that matters now) - were going to see me naked like a beached whale. Ugh. I’m going to stop now and just ask that you wish me luck when I go in.  

In preparation for my appointment with the pain management specialist next week I have created a log. You can see what I'm trying to keep track of here.

It's weird to see it all laid out like that. You can read what prompted me to do this here.

This week I’ve noticed a coping mechanism that I’m proud of. Regardless of how my body actually feels at the moment, I’m conscious of - and elevated by – the good things that have happened. All in all, this has been a really good last couple of weeks. I’ll start with the smaller things and work up to the big stuff.

First off, I got new glasses. Because I don’t like the selection and prices that my vision rider allows, I choose to go to out of plan vendors and use my flexible spending account money when I buy glasses. It’s been around three or four years since my last eye exam, not good when I’m supposed to keep an eye out on my pressures (high for my age, history of glaucoma). I went with America’s Best, where we got Katie her glasses last summer. The service was excellent as always, the staff remembered me from her visit, and I loved the selection.

For $251 I got two pair of frames that included ultra thin lenses, scratch protection, anti-glare, protection plan, tinting on one pair to make them into sunglasses, and a comprehensive eye exam that included field vision and glaucoma test. I love both pair. The everyday pair is similar to the old ones but daintier, and not brown. These are black with pink insides. The sunglasses are like slimmed down retro actress shades, the frames shimmer from black to navy blue in the light. I can go in for free adjustments any time.

Next up we have my bi-annual review. This is my first review with the new boss, and while I know she’s been pleased with me, you just never know… so there was some anxiety. Turns out I had nothing to worry about. Out of 11 areas I got 7 Exceeds (hard to get) and 4 Meets (more the usual). I have qualified for another raise, though this one will be smaller because I could conceivably get two raises per year now vs. one. The raise money comes from a pool, there are four of us in it and how high your PEI (Performance Evaluation Indicator) rating is determines your share. I should find out in less than a month, after the compensation committee meets. I’m just glad she’s enthused about my work, and that she’s been good to work under. I still hate not having a window with a passion, but otherwise it’s good.

Lastly, I made my husband smile and laugh this week despite all the stress he’s been having at work. Trust me, this is no mean feat. He’s been feeling like ass and his new boss is acting like one, so I’ve really been trying to make him feel extra appreciated and loved.

So, I’ve had a lot of reasons to smile. On the flip side I’ve had significant pain by the evening every day this week. I start out reasonably limber and only moderately twinge-y and by mid-afternoon/dinnertime I’m in sustained pain in at least three areas, usually the forearms, hands, upper back and neck. The neck part gets on my nerves, it’s now consistently running into the base of my skull and setting up shop. I think if it’s going to be a permanent resident it should at least pay rent. Steve was concerned enough that he thought I should ask Katie for a pain pill or two. I chose not to ask because I meet with the pain specialist in a month and I don’t want to start taking anything strong before I meet with him. I think he should have an accurate picture of where I’m at. I’d just take Aleve until then, or something else OTC like Ibuprofen or Aspirin, but unfortunately they don’t do anything for me anyway.

Today was a pretty unnerving, dare I say upsetting, day?

I didn't feel so hot yesterday. I went shopping at a moderate pace for two hours with my mom yesterday and then went to their house for dinner. Steve joined me later and we played with the Wii a little before going home. Today I feel like I got hit by a Mack truck.

My arms hurt if I extend them or bend my wrist in any way. My back hurts, there's a ball of pain in the middle right portion. My neck/shoulder junction hurts, both sides are rock hard. We've been noticing more spots of tenderness creeping in for the last 3 months or so. Spots on my arms and shoulders where it didn't use to hurt to lightly massage. Now if he presses on them I'm wincing. The accupuncture wasn't working very well for me, and that's besides putting me $300 in debt a month, so I stopped. The supplements gave me gas. The Aleve my doctor suggested doesn't work. Is this what my future looks like?

I'm blessed to have friends and family close by, including a wonderful husband. If the Fibromyalgia continues to creep up on me like this I know that I'm not alone. Still and all, the exhaustion lately has been worst of all. I can deal with more pain than I let on. Exhaustion is another thing. One of the reasons I stopped going to the gym was because I started having pain doing even the lightest of arm exercises, and the exhaustion afterwards actually had my legs feeling watery. And yes, I was taking it easy. The pain on the days in between was making it so I dreaded going after my 'day of rest'.

And I'm lazy. I'll be honest.

Just some thoughts, trying to work through them in my head.

Another busy weekend, but hopefully the last of that kind for a little while.

Friday night Steve picked up the new mattress and bed frame with his father, after work. They came by early, along with our friend John, to schlep the old one to Katie’s house and then bring up the new. Katie and I left for my appointment while all this was happening and it was off to the acupuncturist. The ride was pleasant and the office was easy to find. It was, however, located up a slippery, twisty country driveway, the office being located in a rustic house with a view of the hills.

( Acupuncture picture coming up (are you squeamish?) )