You know how you keep telling yourself you're going to make a change, every New Year? You're going to live healthy, handle yourself and your life better. And somehow it never quite happens, or at least not so much as you'd hope?

I can't stop smiling today, in a small and sweet way. I may not get everywhere I want to go, but I'm certainly enjoying the journey.



Right Outta Nowhere ( Read more... )

I have a secret… I’m afraid of the dentist. Seriously, truly – afraid. I’ve not taken the best care of my teeth in the past, and couple that with a resistance to pain medication I’ve avoided the dentist for more years (keep going, and going) than I care to recount in public. A raging toothache landed me in my husband’s dentist’s office on Friday. When I was greeted by the receptionist I promptly burst into a 2-second bout of tears, I was so scared. The receptionist was very nice, reminding me that paperwork doesn’t bite and it would all be ok. When the tech came to get me and introduced herself, I stared at her and her outstretched hand like she was an alien, blinking in slow motion. Finally I slowly reached out to shake her hand. The receptionist whispered "she's REALLY scared" and the tech said "don't worry, we'll take good care of you". I unfroze from there and followed. 

Long story short, I have quite a few small cavities to deal with, but the big issue is that I need a root canal. I’ve never been scared so bad in my life, and I have a feeling when I finally go in for the procedure that I’ll be more scared than when I went in for surgery to have my gallbladder removed. At least then I knew I wouldn’t feel anything, I was just embarrassed that strangers - including a mom of someone I went to school with who was rather nasty to me at times (not that that matters now) - were going to see me naked like a beached whale. Ugh. I’m going to stop now and just ask that you wish me luck when I go in.  

I'm very dizzy tonight... the screen (be it computer or giant roll down projection screen) keeps clicking to the left. Click-click-click. Kind of like spinning, but more like a broken record.

This weekend I did a lot of beading. I made a beautiful necklace with moss jasper and glass beads that are every color of the forest floor and dappled sunlight, with matching earrings. Today I made a black and teal necklace, pendant and earrings set also. I am inspired and happy about that. I am also knitting (endlessly) on my husbands first hand-knit (from me) sweater. I made chicken soup also and Katie visited. :)

We will be looking at a house next weekend, Steve's friend wants to sell. It's kind of 40's Hollywood stucco "Craftsman Bungalow" style. We are probably not ready for this, but it doesn't hurt to look. It may be entirely too small, but it's got a 20x20 studio, basement, attic, and .8 acres of land... plus lots and lots of wood. I'm intrigued.

In preparation for my appointment with the pain management specialist next week I have created a log. You can see what I'm trying to keep track of here.

It's weird to see it all laid out like that. You can read what prompted me to do this here.

As the days melt away I’m struck once more at the beauty of Autumn. I could never live somewhere the seasons didn’t change in this way, with days of sun and glorious color, nights of snappy chill and fitful winds that whip the leaves into a susurrus to sleep by. I think the only thing that could make living where I live better would be if we could have another metal roof overhead like we did in our old apartment, something to amplify the autumn rains even more. Or maybe the ocean, or a lake. Lakes are probably safer what with global warming. As much as I like noise and activity, if I could have a porch to overlook a lake or the ocean nearby that would be perfection. Dreaming about Autumn got me thinking. Several of our friends are in tight to scary situations, so I started thinking about "personal circumstances".

While our circumstances are limited in comparison to some, I still like to dream. My husband and I are very much aware that we are definitely part of the "first generation that will not do as well as their parents before them". Much of that is from personal choices. Neither of us was willing to do whatever it took to go to college. Much of that is also from physical and mental health reasons. College would have been wasted on me till a few years ago, what with the clinical depression/ suicidal tendencies/BPD. And some things are socioeconomic patterns and shifts that are out of our hands. We’re better off than many, less well off than the same, and grateful for what we do have. I spend very little time pining away for what we don’t have, and make a point not to pressure my marriage with the Need to Succeed. We’re working with a financial adviser to best manage our funds and our future, so I know we’re moving in the right direction.

Our first short-term life goal is to buy a house. There are many reasons why I thought I’d never own my own home. Mental illness, lack of a good partner at the time, poor budgeting (on my part), inertia... you name it. My life has changed a lot since Steve put me on a budget back when we were just friends, and I’ve learned a lot, mostly about myself. Now I know that it is possible, and I’ve started to think about what I want. Steve has mostly flexible and nebulous ideas about a house, so this is just my list. ( Read more... )

You know how it is when you look around and things are good, to the point where you can't put your finger on anything that's really bugging you? I like that, a lot. :)

This is my favorite time of the year. Always is, always has been. Autumn in New England is one of those things that if you've never experienced, you don't know what you're missing. No movie, no documentary, no pictures pass 'round by friends can match the smell of sweet decay that rides the wind this time of year. Death never smelled so good, they should bottle the scent of warm sun, crisp air, and candy corn colored leaves.

I've been doing a lot lately with knitting, and there's new yarn in the shop. You should just go check out the shop blog so you can see where I've been and what I've been doing. If you're interested. ;) I wish I could keep half of the new yarn colors for myself, REALLY liking how some of those came out, especially Throwing Copper and Man of Steel.

Things have been good at work, I've been getting a lot done and looking good in the process. I still hate that I have no window, but there's nothing I can do about that. The main point is that I've been doing some really good work in the meantime. My new boss is pretty laid back so I can't complain, but I won't be letting my guard down anytime soon.

Friends and family this weekend for Rhinebeck (the NY Sheep & Wool Show). Giddy doesn't begin to describe it. :)

The concert was... god, it was everything we could have hoped for. It started off with an amazing solo act, wish I could tell you his name but he mumbled it and "isn't actually official yet, though I do have a cd coming out soon". We would pay for his CD and I will search high and low till I find out who he was. But the concert!

Wow. Just wow. Sorry so long to post, but I was working on the pictures. I got a few that came out fairly well. Remember, no flash, no tripod, and I'm amazed they came out as well as they did. But still... Pictures don't do it justice, not by a long shot. Tori came out initially as the character "Isabel", in the long blonde wig, red satin knickers (the pants kind, not undies), and a red silk shirt. Not much with the stories and the talking this show, though I did scream "tell us a STORY!!" at one point. After the first set she left to change and become "Tori", coming out in a gold sequined jumpsuit and it all went from there.

It was passionate, powerful, full of energy. She was on fire, she fairly writhed on her stool, flipping her hair and smiling at us coyly. The sound was just on the near side of too loud, which is also known as the far side of bearable. She did a really good mix of the new and the old, singing songs like Caught a Light Sneeze, Talula, and other "oldies" to mix in with the new album. The band was awesome, they didn't overwhelm her sound in the least. At one point in the middle they went away and it was just she and the piano, otherwise known as "T&Bo". Bo being Bosendorfer, her brand of piano. Just like old times.

Just when we thought she was done everyone ran to the front, including me as the eerie notes of "Precious Things". I had resigned myself to the fact that she wasn't going to play it, and that was that. But oh, she did... she played my song. I lost it. I was screaming and my eyes even teared up. My song, sung once more, 13 years later, by the woman who gave it life. How powerful and mad it was, standing next to a 50 year old immensely fat man who proceeded to sing each song she played after (for another 20 minutes of wonder) along with me.

Tori was all things a woman can be, powerful, passionate, intelligent, compassionate, coy, sexy, furious... awe inspiring. I am blessed to have experience this again, one more time. If she stopped touring tomorrow I'd at least have completed the circle. Who I was when I first saw her sing, first discovered her music, I am all that and more still now. I am less too, in good ways and bad. But I am me, and her music has carried me through these changes more so than any other artist.

For pictures, click here: http://s5.photobucket.com/albums/y177/Lunassa/Tori/

Teehee! Guess what I got in the mail today. :)



Wa-wa-wacom! Now all I have to do is get good enough to not look quite so much like a 5 year old. I do have something in mind, obviously.

Guess who got up at 6 a.m. with her husband because she was so excited she couldn't sleep? Silly question, of course that was me. :) Today is the day I head off to W.O.O.L., the fiber retreat I planned! Katie will be joining us tomorrow, I can't wait!

The car was packed last night, every last minute thing I could think of was thought of, everything checked and double checked... and of course I feel like I'm forgetting something. But I don't care, I'm so excited it's finally HERE! I'm looking forward to meeting everyone, to seeing Wiawaka for the first time, all of it. I feel like I've been there before because I know so many people who've gone before, and go back regularly. I've been dancing around in my skivvies all morning, making Steve laugh, because I'm so excited.

You know I'm excited when I do the "DOOOM!!" song that GIR sings. I shall take this moment to point out I have also made his "WHEEE HEEE HEEE!!" sound too. My poor husband.

I leave in a few minutes to run errands and see my mom before heading up. And then, I'm told, I just head up.... and up... and up... which totally jives with my sense of "If I'm going forward, I'm going North" sense of direction. See you there ladies, Steve, I'll miss you terribly, and everyone else? ADIOS MUCHACHOS!

(I'm resolutely not going to think about internet withdrawal.)

I have had a much better week this time around than last week, and for that I am immensely grateful. I’ve been trying to breathe, and to remember that due to last Friday’s best performance evaluation ever I’m due for a raise this month, effective my first September paycheck. There’s a pool of available money for the four hourly people in our department, the person with the highest PI (Performance Indicator) gets the highest slice of the pie.

Mine was 2.8.

Out of 3.

I rock. :) I’m also waiting for the sky to open up. Thunder is rumbling from one end of the sky to the other, and I’m jonesing for rain.

Tonight Steve has his D&D game, to be held at Katie’s apartment, and so I have the house to myself. I have some very set in stone plans, and I’m holding to them. They involve me, two $5 bin movies, and The Socks. I have three days (which are very busy) to knit almost an entire sock, probably a total of about 8 hours by Monday night. I can do this and I have Shaun of the Dead, Minority Report, or The Gift to help me do it. Together, we shall prevail.

At exactly 10 a.m. this morning, Sunday July 22, I have finished it. As the church bells of Saint Patrick's calling the faithful to Mass faded away, I read the last words and then it was done.

I can't believe it's over.

I've decided to pay the stupid tax and go to WalMart tonight to buy a copy of Deathly Hallows. I told Katie that my loss is her gain, she can have the extra copy as a gift. She was going to have to read mine, this way she'll have her own.

All is well that ends well, especially if a friend can benefit in the bargain. :)

I have the Asshole song going through my head right now.

Guess who pre-ordered Harry Potter? That would be me.

Guess who mistakenly picked to have it shipped to work like all her other packages and didn't find out till too late? That would be me.

Guess who CAN'T just go pick it up at the post office near work like she planned Saturday morning because instead it was shipped UPS and there's no service to our site (no staff to receive) on the weekend? That would be me.

Guess who won't be reading HP till Monday and is now making three people behind her waiting to read the book very sad?

Yeah. Me.

Don't I feel stupid.

Today was a pretty unnerving, dare I say upsetting, day?

I didn't feel so hot yesterday. I went shopping at a moderate pace for two hours with my mom yesterday and then went to their house for dinner. Steve joined me later and we played with the Wii a little before going home. Today I feel like I got hit by a Mack truck.

My arms hurt if I extend them or bend my wrist in any way. My back hurts, there's a ball of pain in the middle right portion. My neck/shoulder junction hurts, both sides are rock hard. We've been noticing more spots of tenderness creeping in for the last 3 months or so. Spots on my arms and shoulders where it didn't use to hurt to lightly massage. Now if he presses on them I'm wincing. The accupuncture wasn't working very well for me, and that's besides putting me $300 in debt a month, so I stopped. The supplements gave me gas. The Aleve my doctor suggested doesn't work. Is this what my future looks like?

I'm blessed to have friends and family close by, including a wonderful husband. If the Fibromyalgia continues to creep up on me like this I know that I'm not alone. Still and all, the exhaustion lately has been worst of all. I can deal with more pain than I let on. Exhaustion is another thing. One of the reasons I stopped going to the gym was because I started having pain doing even the lightest of arm exercises, and the exhaustion afterwards actually had my legs feeling watery. And yes, I was taking it easy. The pain on the days in between was making it so I dreaded going after my 'day of rest'.

And I'm lazy. I'll be honest.

Just some thoughts, trying to work through them in my head.

I can sing this song until the end of time. One of my top 5 favorite songs, lifetime list. Sorry that the embedding is disabled, I was really looking forward to trying that for the first time.


St. Teresa

The video isn't at all what I thought would go with the lyrics. Try listening to it with your eyes closed instead?

Happy Birthday America. Enjoy your day, drink a lot of beer, pig out, and then come see me.

You and I need to talk. For an infant nation with so much potential, we have a lot to work on.

First off, your attitude needs to go. You aren't the best because you *think* you're the best. You're the best because once upon a time you were humble and grateful enough to want to BE the best, and you were willing to work hard for it. A few A's doesn't mean you get to coast for the last few generations.

Secondly, being the strongest and the toughest doesn't mean that you get to throw your weight around. Discretion is the better part of valor, not having the biggest... well, you get my drift. Strength comes in so many forms, let's explore some of them.

Thirdly, if you want to stand up for something, let's stand up for ourselves. Let's learn to love ourselves, and practice what we preach (if you really want to do the "Christian" thing) by living compassion. Hiding fear behind hatred isn't very brave you know. And besides... hatred makes your face twist up into a very ugly rictus, and if you're not careful it's going to stick that way.

Fourthly, you have to learn to listen to criticism. You are NOT right 24/7. Intimidating people who are unhappy with you, or are trying to help you change is not your right. It's their right to express their oppinion. It's everyone's right to choice, to speach, to anger, to joy. If you keep smacking around those who love you enough to tell you what's wrong with you, along with what's right, pretty soon the only friends you'll have will be the kind of people who make a living sucking up and saying Yes Your Majesty. You don't want that, do you?

Lastly, remember that I love you. I love you with all my heart and I want, long after I've turned to dust, to see you grow up into a graceful, loving, free and successful nation.

Your Friend,
Tina Martinez Chast
Catskill, NY

Walked into work and found this on my boob. Was very happy to show it off to everyone, including the IS guys I like to goof off with, until it happily flew away on my way out the door to hand off mail.



Got home from Pirates and saw this little dude hanging out on our porch!





I picked him up to put him safe in the dark wet grass and he jumped outta my hands and onto my arm... and HUNG OUT there long enough for Steve to try getting a few shots!



Let's just say I'm feeling kinda blessed today. :) I wonder if it has anything to do with yesterday?

*yawn* G'mornin'.

This weekend was a little busier than normal, and while I like that we got out and did things, saw friends, it makes the weekend fly by so quickly that I feel like I haven't rested at all. Either you have a life (good) and are tired (bad), or you're tired (bad) and don't have a life (bad). So, from time to time, let's choose life. If it ever gets to the point of choosing life over pain, then I'll reconsider.

I'm very happy with the new WalMart that opened Friday in town. The parking is good (against logic and opening weekend), they have cashiers on hand, and they have a little bit of everything. We got some grocery shopping done when we went in together on Sunday along with some houseware shopping we'd been meaning to do, all in one trip. The lines were too long because everyone else was doing what we were doing too, but when I was in alone on opening night it was fine, I was in and out in the express lane.

Saturday night Steve and I went to mom's for dinner and then I stayed to go to a Karaoke night at a local bar we'd never been to. And we never will again, apparently when mom asked her friend if it was a "raunchy" place, the coworker failed to mention "dive". *shudder* Two songs (one of which skipped and I couldn't finish) and we were out of there. Yesterday was much better enjoying a Bohemian roast pork dinner and Captain Treasure Boots at our friend's house.

Today I make an appointment with the good primary care doctor Katie was seeing. I've had three fairly common symptons for me in 24 hours. One at a time is normal for me, spread out over a couple of weeks, not one after another. Stabbity ice pick head pain (that lasts mere seconds and is gone), heart palpitations, and an actual real mini-migraine (in that order). *shrug* They'll say nothing is wrong, I've had all of the above since I was a kid and been tested more times than I can count, but hey... at least I'll be able to point at the manifest and tell someone "see, I tried!".

I have taken a moment to light a candle in a darkened room. I stood over it, palms upturned, mind stilled, and spoke in my heart:

"Peace be to the souls that have passed,
Peace be to those left behind.
Peace be to those who still suffer,
and Peace be to the world entire.

So mote it be."

I stared into that tiny flame and was at peace with how small we are in the face of the universe. How quickly our small fires burn and die down. How that small inner fire has such life and warmth, and then it's gone. And that's as it should be, for all life is transient.

But I still mourn for those whose flame were snuffed out by violence, as I do every time I think about it.